I don’t know exactly when it hit me that most of my mental imagery of people and relationships came from fictional characters rather than first-hand experience, but it was way too late.
Just think about a romantic scene. A couple about to have their first kiss. Unless you’re some kind of creep, you probably havent seen this close-up from a third person perspective, ever. Sure, you might have been one of those people, but that’s quite different.
Your third-person image memories are all captured with cameras, on sets, with lights and make-up artists and some bored staff trying to stay out of shot. If it felt genuine, that’s just a tribute to the skill of the actors.
Or maybe you’re more of a reader. You know you can’t read people’s minds, but that internal monologue reads so naturally. It’s easy to forget that these people don’t actually exist. Authors aim for plausibility and narrative consistency more than actual realism. It’s not science. These aren’t observations from the real world. They’re made up.
But let’s get back to those actors. Acting is hard, partly because actors have to make emotions and thoughts legible through their faces. We have to see the exact moment they get an idea, or fall in love, or feel disappointment. But real people simply don’t do that. If you watched me cfor an hour while I read funny or somber articles online, you wouldn’t be ale to tell the difference from my face. Most of us only “transmit” when they think they’re being observed, and even then we do it poorly.
I believe that our constant exposure to acting has given us a pervasive belief in mind reading. When you think you know what someone else is feeling, you’re attempting mind reading. When someone expects you to know they’re upset (or why) they’re expecting mind reading.
Movies teach us that emotions are obvious. Real life teaches us the opposite. People are hard to read, even when they’re trying to express themselves.
This all means that in real relationships, whether that is with a romantic partner, a friend or a colleauge, it is important to talk explicitly about your emotions. I’m not saying you need to get on a therapy couch, just that you can make it clear that you are both interested in their internal life and unable to understand it without their help.
I know this approach has been invaluable both in my personal relationships and at work.
Side note: this concept is somewhat adjacent to the “Fundamental Attribution Error” where people attribute other’s actions to their internal make-up rather than some kind of situational duress. Also a fun thing to look up.
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